Desperate times call for desperate measures as details emerge of a recent conversation between the infamous "Man from ACE" and ACE's very own Alan Davey, CEO of the funding monolith.

Good afternoon Mr Davey, er..... boss, how can I help you?

Yes, yes, good morning, I would like to apply for some funding please.

Come again?

Money, I need some money for a new project!

I see, and what exactly is this project may I ask?

Well, we've had a lot of cuts from (points upward and looks at the ceiling) upstairs, if you know what I mean, so we need to replace the cash.

(looks up at the ceiling somewhat perplexed) .....

.....

So, you want Arts Council England to fund..... Arts Council England?

Yep, brilliant plan huh?

Genius sir, matched only by those who start land wars in Asia but (somewhat sarcastically) is it art Mr Davey?

Art?

.....

.....

Yes, Mr Davey, this is (gesturing with air quotes) The Arts Council, we fund art and artists

erm..... Oh good lord yes, it's art, let's face it, everything we do around here is completely theatrical, right? I mean, you should see tomorrow's script!

Script?

Oh yeah, we're rolling out more cuts for the plebs, I've got this whole scene where I'm practically weeping into my sleeve, I just hope I don't choke.

A hope shared by few others I would wager?

Huh?

What is this art called?

Erm..... let's call it "Pension Fund"

Subtle!

Glad you like it!

I was being sarcastic!

So was I.....

And just who is this art aimed at may I ask?

My friends on the senior sta.............. er...... disabled people....... disabled black people........ disabled black people who are veterans living in South London who have no hope and only we can save them!

Diverse, almost cynically so......

Oh..... and the Olympics

The Olympics are over you....... Mr Davey

Not those ones, the new ones in Brazil.....

..... (looking weary) How much money do you need for this project?

not much, about sixty million!

(incredulously) Pounds?

No, cats! Of course pounds!

Mr Davey what are your other sources of funding for this, for want of a better word, project?

We don't have any, we need 100%!

I'm sorry Mr Davey (a smile creeping across his face) but Arts Council England doesn't fund projects at 100%! Please show yourself out!